In early June I drove myself to Laguna Beach. I don't yet own a car myself, however since mid-spring I've found friends willing to lend me their car while they're out of town.
I've known for a long time that I feel most embodied when traveling by myself. I haven't been able to do it near as much as I'd like so I've made it a goal for my thirties to get around as much as I can. Sometimes the financial restraint really gets me down but I've seen how resourceful I can be. It makes travel a lot more interesting- I find myself in places I'd never be able to guess from having to use what I've got. There it is again: another gift disguised as an obstacle.
Since moving to Los Angeles and navigating significant changes in my support system I occasionally get scared to be alone. When solitude seems trepidatious I've realized that's when I need it the most. I took the Amtrak to Albuquerque in January and felt tremendous peace navigating Union Station by myself. The sun set on the trains heading towards the desert; I fell asleep surrounded by total darkness and woke up surrounded by dusty orange mountains. I noticed then that feeling peaceful and feeling free are the same.
I'm bold when I'm out in the world by myself- I find myself making friends easily. Fleeting friendships are some of my favorite, ones where all you remember is the time you connected intensely and parted ways. free free free
Honestly, it cracks me up how lucky I am. This year I've driven five different cars from April-August. Robert's Prius for several months, Andrew's VW, Cam's car for two weeks while he was in Peru, Darren's car for another couple weeks. I return it without a scratch and a full tank but besides that the car lenders ask nothing of me. I'm extremely grateful and lucky for their trust and generosity. Dealing with the challenges of getting around without a car for most of my time ensures that I never take the gift of mobility for granted. I offer rides to everyone because I love being able to offer support as it's been given to me. I take every opportunity to explore, sometimes picking a direction and just driving an hour that way and seeing where I end up. California's landscape morph and molt by the minute in a car. I love to watch it change through my window.
This trip wasn't too far. I went down to Laguna Beach's 1000 Step Beach and then up through Silverado Canyon. Throughout the excursion I recorded whatever thoughts I had, deeply enjoying talking to myself the whole time.
In the recording I cover the following:
-appreciation for Azealia Banks specifically for being messy and saying wild shit. I'm grateful for people operating on extremes because finding a centered approach is easier when you see one side go all the way off
-listening to people who I disagree with as a practice, moving away from the internet's push towards having "perfect" beliefs/ ways of expressing ideas
-the paradox of euphoria from your worst fear/anxiety coming true, the beauty of detachment that follows (framed within an experience with an ex-lover from early this year. In the recording I said it lasted six months cause I'm hyperbolic but it was much more brief than that, from like February-end of March. Feels important to clarify the length of the situation since this time of my life will be difficult to remember accurately due to grief. Time has felt simultaneously so long and so short since like December ughhhhh so intense)
-brief/scattered astrological observations with Aquarius energy/the new age we're in
-reflections on moneyyyy and how i never want a mansion
-finding myself wishing for death (not literally death but more of an immediate end of suffering) only to realize it was because I was actively experiencing the process of death, so the desire for the end was a symptom of the intolerable pain of shedding the past. when wishing for death consider: is it just that I am experiencing it already?
-story about driving through a culty ass town and hearing a church woman talk soooo much shit with a priest about witches and bad influences
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