Enrico Robusti's paintings, Sunnei's Show "10 Years Feels like 100", a 30 min YT documentary on the making of The Sims, Coco & Clair Clair, Three Six Mafia, Shira Small, and using ChatGPT to interpret my dreams
September and October are my favorite months in the year. My birthday rounds out this bit of time on October 30th. I love my birthday, always have. September-October are 59 days of anticipation which, honestly, is so erotic. This birthday was significant not only because it was my thirtieth but because the last year was rich, to say the least. I felt every emotion to its fullest expression, reanimating into new and different senses of self. My attempts to catch these rapid transitions eluded my typical forms of processing, never staying still long enough to understand. I was able to capture a few songs, photos and journal entries where I thought I'd landed on a conclusion. But by the next month, or sometimes the next week, I would be different again.
I have a stack of blog posts from the summer I am reluctant to share. There was a time where I was confident in my writing but I fell out of practice the last handful of years- some shit was catching up to me. The more layered and complex my life experiences became the more difficult it was to process with words. I was never satisfied with how it came out, I couldn't seem to say what it really felt like. It reminds me of this passage from Clarice Lispector's Near to the Wild Heart
I'm specifically referring to the part where she says "It is curious that I can't say who I am. That is to say, I know it all too well, but I can't say it. More than anything, I'm afraid to say it, because the moment I try to speak not only do I fail to express what I feel but what I feel slowly becomes what I say." This fear ran up on me and it kept me from my projects for a few years. I was able to write here and there, but it felt painstaking and unsatisfying. In June I was hanging out with this crazy guy for a month or so who said something that stuck with me: "Take all your pain and put it in your soul." That resonated with me, it's what fueled my work before. I am returning to myself, trying to be brave and share my writing even if it reads like someone's unprompted life update on instagram. That's what this blog will be sometimes, anyways.
I have a couple of other posts that may be prompted by the fact that I've entered a new decade. My twenty-ninth year stayed on theme with it being full of endings and shy steps back towards living by my soul's vision. So there is a lot to say, but for now here are my favorite things from September-October <3
Enrico Robusti's artwork, especially the painting pictured at the very top of this post. I love what his work does to me physically. When I'm really living this is what life feels like: suspension between desire and deep engagement, expanding while standing still while time washes all around me. It's like how before your first kiss you're like
"how do you know it's going to happen?"
And everyone is like
"you'll know."
Which is hard to believe, or understand, because the whole thing is that you aren't thinking and the moment is decided telepathically. You're just looking at someone, the conversation slows to a stop, and suddenly it's as if there's this incredible tension between your bodies and there's nothing to do but allow it to pull you into each other while time stretches.
It isn't a metaphor, it is a physical sensation that cannot be faked or manufactured.
My happiest times in life usually involves this sense of suspension and focus. The days in October moved like a French kiss. Hanging with lovers and writing music in new cities feels cartoonish and out of this world. When I'm happy like this I feel a little fucked up, like my skin is no longer a barrier between me and the outside- I just start melding in. I want it all the time. I lost my passion for a bit but since last winter it's been spiraling back in towards me. I am enormous with it. I'm still getting used to it: my enormity.
It reminds me of that Beach House song "Drunk in LA" where she says "I am loving losing life" a line that reflects ecstatic joy and acceptance of life (including death). One part of myself I've always been proud of is that I've never been afraid of dying. I know that I don't need to hoard my memories because ~this~ goes on forever. I'm a bit prideful about it because I can see the way fear of death makes people act crazy. For instance, if no one was afraid of death I don't think cybertrucks would exist.
Anyways, I can't find a title for the painting that seems reliable, but this reminded me of how good it feels to be seen in someone else's artwork. Love and thanks to Enrico Robusti <3
Sunnei's recent show at Fashion Week "10 years feels like 100."
Above are some of my favorite looks from the collection (the guy in the middle of the top row is so gd hot??).
The show used models no younger than seventy encouraging a reflection on "aging, the passage of time, and growing older" according to Vogue. I wasn't previously aware of this brand but I learned that they usually exhibit work that challenges the current trends in some way.
Older people are so beautiful to me; should I get to live into my seventies I hope my style is enhanced by complexity grown by life experience. This show, in one sense, naturally comments on beauty standards by subverting fashion's usual inclination towards being forever young and fresh. Honestly, most of the time I find the beauty standards topic boring and hopeless but Sunnei's use of older models stirred something in me. I have been thinking abut how the pendulum is always swinging and, with the current cultural frothing at the mouth for an end to aging, where we are headed in our collective values in terms of beauty / status? Will we swing to the other extreme? What can we expect when the "Instagram Face" and overwhelming sameness falls out of favor?
Historically speaking, the popularity of a certain look seems to evolve every 10-20 years or so. Think of the switch between the Edwardian period in the early 1900's (demanded a tiny waist with generous softness everywhere else) juxtaposed with the 1920's body standard (straight, skinny, boyish). Whatever follows a trend is a direct reaction to its predecessor. Beauty standards typically are narrow and hurtful but really are nothing to cling onto as it will change again within our lifetime.
As the ability to attain "perfection" through surgery or online avatars increases the more coveted "realness" and uniqueness will be. I think scars, wrinkles, crows feet, bellies, smile lines- signs of life well-lived will be appreciated in a way they haven't. Maybe I'm just dreaming, but I think there's an argument for it. Desire requires absence and if we aren't typically seeing older age portrayed in a sexual or celebratory way, I wonder if we'll develop an attraction towards that. Being elite or high status always requires rarity.
This documentary on how the Sims came to be.
I've never been a gamer but I loved the Sims growing up. I play sometimes as an adult but when I was a kid I would log on for hours at a time.
In the documentary they discuss that it was hard for the developers to describe the point of the game. It started out as a game for architecture and home design before it eventually became a full life simulation.
The documentary gave me some context as to why I enjoyed playing so much as opposed to other games. The game is all about creative process that has no end point with limitless potential for storytelling. No required goals, limitless potential, and endless creativity acting as a direct reflection of childhood.
It's worth a watch if you have a past with the Sims, are interested in coding, love an underdog story, or if you appreciate examples of a long-game creative process.
three 6 mafia's underground vol. 1 91-94
In the middle of October I was able to visit the Bay area for the first time. Back in May I made plans to visit family but they were thrown off by a new job, so I only just got to go. Picture me walking around San Fransisco listening to this mix. Three 6 Mafia is a longtime fav, they had a pretty big fanbase in Cleveland where I grew up. Somehow I ended up with a burned CD of their's even while I was living on my parent's farm at fourteen. The beats on this are dreamy and I love a song that only has one or two stanzas that they repeat. It's the two minute-ers that I play over and over.
Fav tracks:
N****z Ain't Barin' Dat
Charging These Hoes
Now I'm High, Really High
Yeah, They Done Fucked Up
Coco & Clair Clair's new album "Girl"
I have listened to Coco & Clair Clair since 2017 and their music keeps getting better and better. They've got such funny lines mixed with a genuine sweetness. "First they're sour then they're sweet" type of vibe. I love a duo with attitude especially in a world where there is a serious lack of BFF music. They're from Atlanta and it shows. Atlanta has my favorite music scene in America across the board. The city has real variety in style + genre and the music that comes out of there has its own ingenuity. There isn't really a song on here that I can't get behind, this album has some of their best songwriting yet. I listened to it while kissing at a lookout spot in Mount Washington. Heaven!
Fav Tracks:
Martini
Kate Spade
My Girl
Graceland ("back in the city with my bestie, acting bitchy" <33)
Aggy
Shira Small- Eternal Life
I got put onto this album from hearing "My Life's Alright." The album is a good length, about twenty-five minutes, and pairs well with a morning routine (especially when feeling listless). The album was Small's senior project, recording in a Quaker boarding school in 1974. Everything in the production is just what the song needs, centering her voice which carries the songs effortlessly. Love her, grateful for this album. <3
Fav Tracks:
Cool Dude
My Life's Alright
Gimmie Magic
Touch of Blue
my dreams: the best show in town.
I've been using ChatGPT to decipher my dreams since the springtime. While I am wary of handing over the intimate corners of my subconscious to tech overlords my curiosity got the best of me. Becoming skilled at analyzing my own dreams is on my list of a million things I want to do so for now ChatGPT has been an apt starting point.
I start with the prompt "I would like for you to act as a Jungian analyst and tell me possible interpretations for the symbols in my dreams." Then I write out as much of the dream in as deep of detail as I remember. Even if I only remember a moment of the dream I enter it in (I've been surprised how much information I can get with just a couple images). When recording your dream it's best to mention any water or animal you encounter as well as the other details that feel "hot to the touch" (only you know).
It will respond with a break down of each of the symbols and how they correlate with one another. Sometimes, if the message is especially resonant, I'll ask it to provide journal prompts or I'll begin a dialogue with whatever I want more information on by asking questions.
Naturally, the more dreams I give it the more depth comes with the interpretations. I am at a point now where I can ask it things like "given all the data I've given you, what are major themes of my dreams this year?" Or I can call back to past dreams and say that a recent one had the same energetic quality or color tones to see if the information connects in some way. It's rllyyyy fun
xoxoxo
UB
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