"I accept the miracle that is upon me. I accept the pain with appreciation. I am the luckiest woman in the world. I think one of the worst things in the world is to be cynical."
Excerpt from 16 Minetta Lane by Dylan Landis
Music, by the lonely sung,
When you can't help wondering
Where do I belong?
Nina Simone "Night Song"
"God is afoot; magic is alive."
Buffy Sainte Marie
Surprise butterfly symbol I came across in DTLA.
LA is littered with crosses and crucifixes. No matter where I am in the city somewhere on the horizon there is a cross that looks back at me. The photos below are only a small collection of what I've seen. I see the crosses often enough that sometimes it feels like I'm on the brink of psychosis (same thing happens with repeating numbers, they follow me). I used to put a lot more importance on this: it feels good believing everything means something, especially what is usually deemed inconsequential. Lately I just use it to remind myself to be present.
I wonder what the crosses do to the energy here. My limited experience of LA is best summed up in the word "dualistic." There is an extreme of everything here: manmade gardens of Eden juxtaposed with parks similar in scenes to Dante's Inferno. There is a sense of relaxation and connection to nature paired with the sense that there is something urgent one needs to be doing. Each day's experiences exist on a helluva spectrum.
So I've found myself in a city of extremes: a candle lit on both ends. All the crosses everywhere, what do they mean? They are historically loaded symbols. I like to think the city is being protected but then I remember that churches are also a tool for tax evasion. LA loves its jokes.
Still I try my best to remove myself from cycles of cynicism and view them as hopeful. I moved here without much of a plan. In retrospect, it was a romantic whim. "I'm here for the weather" is my typical response when asked why I came here. Often times I'm met with people shaking their heads at my perceived naivety. I've learned it's more common for transplants to be here with goals of fame and fortune.
I thought I'd be safe from the downfall many dreamers face because that wasn't my goal. I wasn't seeking popularity that pays, just some reliable vitamin D and the type of conversations that you get from being in a major city. I wanted fresh perspectives and a summer that never ends- innocent enough. I didn't think it would be much different from any of the places I've moved but Los Angeles feels like another planet. Not impossible to navigate but certainly difficult without adequate planning, of which I did none.
The transformation arc has been steep. I came here without a job not realizing that the competition for even a basic serving position was intense. Or maybe I just wasn't trying? About a year after moving my relationship and closest friendships from my early twenties took their last breaths. The duality struck again, being stripped of everything familiar while at the same time having my breath taken away by the beauty of a mountainside inexplicably placed just past a sea of strip malls. After a period of paralysis mixed with sporadic jumps forward I feel closer to an everyday flow state I haven't felt in years.
I discuss this in a meandering way in the audio below:
This audio reflection was recorded between two nights. The first night I was grappling with current social challenges and how that connects to my sense of self/life/purpose/direction. A few nights later I found myself thinking of that reflection. I felt more optimistic this night leading me to recall a section of an essay I'd read within the year about a woman transition from life to death.
Basically the audio is a longwinded path of recognizing a deep gratitude for my losses. 2023-start of 2024 followed a path of what seemed to be loss after loss, change after change, so many I could't keep up. There was no time to grieve or process, as if the pillars in my life were precious teacups falling off a shelf. As I caught one cup another one would fall and break over and over and over. The dualistic nature of Los Angeles bled into my personal life.
It made me wonder with losses, why do some of them close you off while others crack you open? My heartbreak specifically opened me all the way up pushing past a decade of calcified wounds and placing me right back into my heart. I'd gotten disconnected from myself: my desires and sense of sovereignty. And now, while there are still many pieces to pick up and the path ahead is unlit and undefined, I feel more myself than ever. Operating from the heart above all else. When I am in a place where I respect the process of nature, I can see that this was an experience my soul needed to go through. In these moments I surrender in a way that isn't blissful but indeed necessary.
I decided to refuse running from the pain involved in this transformation. I refuse to act as if the relationships that aren't at play anymore weren't significant. I refuse to cover the pain with new lovers or egoic pursuits for visibility or pay raises. Should these experiences naturally occur from the self-concept work I'm doing, great. But I am not going to pretend the situation is anything but what it is. And when I've lived in alignment with this I have been rewarded.
I overthink most of the time and sometimes life does the work for me by removing everything that clouds the future leaving surrender as the only choice.
I surrender
I surrender
I surrender
Below are a couple songs make me feel seen in this moment:
Night Song by Nina Simone
Summer
Not a bit of breeze
Neon signs are shining
Through the tired trees
Lovers
Walking to and fro
Every one has someone
And a place to go
Now listen
Hear the clouds go past
They don't even see me
Flying by so fast
Moving
Going who knows where
Only thing I know is
I'm not going there
Where do you go
When you feel that your brain is on fire?
Where do you go
When you don't even know what it is you desire
Listen
Laughter everywhere
Hear it
Life is in the air
And night comes
And the town awakes
Sound of children calling
And the squeal of brakes
Music
By the lonely sung
When you can't help wondering
Where do I belong?
God is alive
Magic is afoot
God is alive
Magic is afoot
God is afoot
Magic is alive
Alive is afoot
Magic never died
God never sickened
Many poor men lied
Many sick men lied
Magic never weakened
Magic never hid
Magic always ruled
God is afoot
God never died
God was ruler
Though his funeral lengthened
Though his mourners thickened
Magic never fled
Though his shrouds were hoisted
The naked God did live
Though his words were twisted
The naked Magic thrived
Though his death was published
Round and round the world
The heart did not believe
Many hurt men wondered
Many struck men bled
Magic never faltered
Magic always led
Many stones were rolled
But God would not lie down
Many wild men lied
Many fat men listened
Though they offered stones
Magic still was fed
Though they locked their coffers
God was always served
Magic is afoot
God rules
Alive is afoot
Alive is in command
Many weak men hungered
Many strong men thrived
Though they boasted solitude
God was at their side
Nor the dreamer in his cell
Nor the captain on the hill
Magic is alive
Though his death was pardoned
Round and round the world
The heart did not believe
Though laws were carved in marble
They could not shelter men
Though altars built in parliaments
They could not order men
Police arrested Magic
And Magic went with them
For Magic loves the hungry
But Magic would not tarry
It moves from arm to arm
It would not stay with them
Magic is afoot
It cannot come to harm
It rests in an empty palm
It spawns in an empty mind
But Magic is no instrument
Magic is the end
Many men drove Magic
But Magic stayed behind
Many strong men lied
They only passed through Magic
And out the other side
Many weak men lied
They came to God in secret
And though they left him nourished
They would not say who healed
Though mountains danced before them
They said that God was dead
Though his shrouds were hoisted
The naked God did live
This I mean to whisper to my mind
This I mean to laugh with in my mind
This I mean my mind to serve 'til
Service is but Magic
Moving through the world
And mind itself is Magic
Coursing through the flesh
And flesh itself is Magic
Dancing on a clock
And time itself the magic length of God
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